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Kalin and Myles Provide Listeners with Sense of Dissatisfaction

Kalin+and+Myles+prove+you+need+more+than+a+pretty+face+and+a+record+deal+to+make+good+music.+%28Photo+used+with+permission+from+Moxie.%29
Kalin and Myles prove you need more than a pretty face and a record deal to make good music. (Photo used with permission from Moxie.)

Kalin and Myles prove you need more than a pretty face and a record deal to make good music. (Photo used with permission from Moxie.)

Kalin and Myles prove you need more than a pretty face and a record deal to make good music. (Photo used with permission from Moxie.)

Rayne Crivelli, Staff Writer

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2014 was the Year of the Butt, hailed by many as the most prolific year for the gluteus maximus in recent memory. Hits like “All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor and “Anaconda” by Nicki Minaj helped 2014 prove its place in history as the most “butt obsessed” year. Following “Anaconda” came the forgettable “Booty” by J-Lo and Iggy Azalea, attempting to ride the wings of Nicki’s popularity. In non-music news, Kim Kardashian’s photoshopped derriere on the cover of Paper Magazine allegedly “broke the internet”, despite not being involved in the ongoing conflict over net neutrality. And who could forget Jason Derulo’s creepiest hit yet, “Wiggle”?

In the weakest attempt to ride off the popularity of butts in American culture thus far comes Kalin and Myles in their fourth LP, specifically with their hit “Trampoline”. This “hit” is song encouraging young women to “bounce it for me, make it go trampoline”. (The “me” in question being either Kalin or Myles. I can’t tell which.)

Perhaps Kalin and Myles named their song “Trampoline” not to better compare a woman’s derriere to an inanimate object, but rather to remind listeners of what they would like to use Kalin and Myles’s faces as: a trampoline.

The rap section is arguably worse than a freestyle by Iggy Azalea. No, that’s too much of an insult to Iggy Azalea. At least Iggy came from hardship. Kalin and Myles met at the premier of Justin Bieber’s film, Never Say Never. The closest thing they’ve probably experienced to “hardship” is cracking the screen on their iPhone 5S. I can safely say this is the worst thing Justin Bieber has done to the music industry since the release of “Baby”.

My overall opinion of this EP is similar to the title of the second track: “I Don’t Really Care”. Kalin and Myles are as fleeting and forgettable as every other young music duo whose sole existence is to make money off of impressionable teenage girls. The only chance of them making a lasting impact is if they join a group of three white boys and start a knock-off boyband meant to replace One Direction in the hearts of teen girls everywhere.

Unfortunately, Kalin and Myles are not the worst musical act ever made. At least that would be something interesting. No, Kalin and Myles are just plain boring, not eve providing enough fodder for insults to make this review longer than 500 words. With two hearty thumbs down, I don’t recommend Kalin and Myles to anyone. Aside from, perhaps, your twelve year old cousin who needs a cheap present for her birthday. (And even then, just get her an old Jonas Brother’s album. She’s too young to know the difference.)

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Kalin and Myles Provide Listeners with Sense of Dissatisfaction