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The Ottoman flag hangs behind Sultan Erdogan, dressed in classic Ottoman royal attire, as he makes the announcement of his status as absolute monarch at the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul. Many historical Ottoman Sultans wore oversized turbans that some have compared to onions. “Anyone who compares the Holy Turban to an onion in the Neo-Ottoman Empire shall be stoned to death,” Erdogan mentioned when asked about the comparison.

Flatline: Recep Tayyip Erdogan Declares Neo-Ottoman Empire

Jack Scott and Owen Wickman January 27, 2015

Recep Tayyip Erdogan, former president of Turkey, has declared himself Absolute Galactic Grand Sultan and Caesar of the Glorious and Unassailable Neo-Ottoman Empire, or, in short, The Sultan of Turkey....

How far is too far? How can we tell the difference between satire and seriousness? These questions have been approached through many different sides in a bitter war that has gone on for centuries.

An Ugly Matter: Censorship

Brandon Moss, Web Editor January 26, 2015

Achieving a happy medium is the impossible dream. In politics, relationships, and just about anything else one can think of, there are always more extremes and less in between. Censorship in the media,...

Above is photographed the horror of a bee upon beeing punched savagely.

Beekeeper’s Guide to the Galaxy: How to Punch Bees

Ashton Bruce, Megan Hoffman, and December 1, 2014

Have you ever had pesky bees lingering around your rose bushes acting like they have business being there? Have you ever had bees in tiny suits minding their own business in your backyard and just had...

FLATLINE: NFL Joins the Violence-Free Animal Lover’s Club

FLATLINE: NFL Joins the Violence-Free Animal Lover’s Club

Brandon Moss, Web Editor November 11, 2014

Due to recent cases of abusive National Football League (NFL) players such as Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice, the NFL has decided to join forces with the Animal Lover’s Club, an anti-violence organization...

Some lynxes take things far too literally. In an effort to raise awareness for the sea and lynxes, this particular lynx has taken the initiative to become a rare snorkeling lynx exploring under a “c.”

FLATLINE: Friday Lynx: Under the Sea

Owen Wickman, Staff Writer November 11, 2014

Lynxes and oceans, two very different entities, both suffer from a common ailment: underrepresentation from the media. Lynxes frolic through snow covered forests and oceans do ocean-y things, but rarely...

A satellite photograph reveals that the layout of the school campuses of the North Forsyth elementary, middle, and high schools are distinctly triangular, just like the most common symbol used by the Illuminati. Thus further insight is provided towards proving the existence of the Illuminati within the Forsyth County School. Screenshot from Google Earth

(RAIDER FLATLINE) Illuminati Conspiracy Discovered at North Forsyth

Owen Wickman, Staff Writer November 4, 2014

After spending over a year at North Forsyth High School, I had come to the conclusion the school was ordinary. Students in this education facility act as typically as any other high school I have come...

Dr Lynx, M.D. prepares to perform some science. Dr. Lynx is qualified in gynecology and the physics of moving bricks. He attended school at the University of Mom’s Basement for two years and the University of Tomatoes for another eight.

Friday Lynx: Recent Studies Show…

Owen Wickman, Staff Writer May 16, 2014

In a recent study published in The American Journal of Criminal Psychology has revealed that almost every serial killer in American history was at one point denied the purchase of a new toy when they were...

One image perfectly captures the human beings surprise.

Citizen Contributes Observations on the Weather

Brandon Moss, Sports Editor January 16, 2014

Recently, on Fox News Channel, political rants ceased for an hour long report on the weather, where Rea Pete, a young woman in Georgia, gave us some insightful observations. “Yeah it’s definitely...

The biggest movie of the year. Also, the longest.

(FLATLINE) The Hobbit 2: An Unnecessary Journey

Brandon Moss, Sports Editor December 12, 2013

Fans that saw The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey will love its new sequel, The Hobbit 2: An Unnecessary Journey, coming to theatres tomorrow. One fan tells the Flatline, “I loved all the walking and landscape...

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