Listen up, I’m known for many things: thievery, villainy, my handsome features and most of all, my beautiful and very cunning mind. Today, however, I would definitely not be known for those things. I frowned as I swung from the ceiling. The rope attached to my ankle kept me upward, while my hair hung downward in front of my eyes. At least it helped to mask my annoyance. God, I was going to be the laughingstock of all of Slovenia once this got around. “I was minding my own business!” I said again.
Slovenia’s “dashing hero,” Landon Hentrix, shook their head, staring up at me as I hung there on the ceiling. God, this was humiliating. “You were robbing a bank!” Landon said. I wished they hadn’t said something like that. They always said reasonable things. And, as much as it pains me to admit it, they are right. I, Alder Oakford, had successfully snuck into the Unicredit Bank with plans to steal some money. What happened was that I had walked in, quiet and sly as a fox, and had gotten the money just fine, but as I was coming back out, boom! The rope pulled my ankle, I went up and suddenly I was staring into the face of my rival. Yippy-skippy.
Landon stared up at me, their golden eyes glaring. “Look at you, hanging from the ceiling like a fish on a hook.”
“How cute. You can make a simile.” I snarled, baring my teeth in an attempt to maintain composure. “I could be doing much worse, you know.” Landon sighed.
“You’re going to have to come with me.” My perfectly sculpted eyebrow rose.
“What if I don’t want to?” Landon took a step forward, their imposing height somehow not as intimidating from up on the ceiling.
“Then drastic measures will have to be taken. Please, make this easy for yourself.” A long breath escaped my lungs as I shook my head.
“Out of all the days you could’ve run into me…you had to pick this one. I had a reason!”
“Oh?” Landon looked skeptical. “Prey tell, what was that reason?”
“It’s my anniversary, and I forgot to buy my wife tickets to see Wicked on Broadway. I got one for myself…just not one for her. So I sorta needed the money…” My words trailed away from me as Landon looked on in disbelief.
“This…this whole robbery is all for your wife?” I nodded. “So you could go see Wicked together?” Another nod. God, would he just hurry it up? My wife was expecting me back in less than an hour. And the UniCredit bank wasn’t a quick jump from our mansion.
“I need those tickets! Otherwise…she just may kill me.” Their eyes widened, portraying their surprise.
“Your wife would kill you?”
“Well,” I bit my lip, “not necessarily. She just may…torture me a little.” The revelation obviously had an effect on Landon, for their eyebrows drew together, now looking very worried.
“Who, exactly, is your wife?”
Here goes nothing. “Melinda Rothland.” Landon choked. Of course.
“She is your wife?” Another sigh left me. It was always the same reaction. The choking, the bulging eyes, and then the exclamations. Couldn’t people mix it up a bit?
“Yes.” I ground out, sounding as exasperated as I felt.
“Melinda Rothland? Supreme Mistress of the Suburbs? The Lady In Gray? She is your wife? Do you have any idea how dangerous she is?” As Landon listed off the titles of my wife, I felt my head nod each time, somewhat paying attention, but not really. Honestly, she got all the credit for being the “big bad” around here. Where is my credit? I’m the better-looking one between us.
“Yes. I’m well aware.” I said after a moment. “It was because of her dangerous nature that I met her.” Landon tilted their head, eyebrows drawing together. I elaborated, “She trapped me in her lair after I’d taken out some of her people who’d been trying to kill me and proceeded to interrogate me. Needless to say, I learned pretty quickly to never mess with her.” I chuckled darkly at the memory. It involved screaming, yelling, fighting and eventually ending with a kiss and a promise, but you know—typical fairy-tale nonsense. Landon continued to look at me, now looking to be contemplating if they wanted to continue. Knowing they had no choice, they sighed. “Well now, when you go and say something like that, it makes my job very difficult.”
Hope fluttered in my gut. “You’re not going to take me in?”
The hero paused. “I’ll let you off with a warning, alright? Next time, try the truth. Your wife would appreciate it.” I laughed, rubbing the back of my neck as I felt my face flush.
“I wish it were that simple. Alas, she has quite the temper.”
“Do you?”
“Oh, no.” I laughed, shaking my head. “I’m calm, she’s…a piece of work.” Panic flared in me after the words left my mouth. I looked around quickly, knowing Melinda Rothland had eyes and ears everywhere. “Don’t tell her I said that.”
“I won’t.” They reassured me. The weight of anxiety lifted off my shoulders. Landon cut me down with a crooked knife, and I managed to land on my feet. I played it off, but dang that hurt. Walking over to the corner where the money was stored, my fingers curled around the rough straps, pulling the bag upward and onto my shoulder. Before any other words could be spoken between me and Landon, I raced off towards the south. Faintly, just in the wind, I could hear Landon sighing. “I am definitely getting in trouble for this.”
