Friday Lynx: Space Edition


Lynxes are not supposed to be in space. However, these two lynxes have decided to defy conventional laws of nature.

Listening to a lynx’s mew is like have liquefied pancakes poured over your tongue; you expect it to be smooth and delicious, but the fluid will most likely burn your skin off. A lynx should sound like a majestic angel, but in reality, it sounds like a demonic beast being thrown into a pit. Just like the sound of a lynx’s voice, the Friday Lynx is designed to appear important and awe-inspiring, with stories that on the front appear to be relevant, but in reality are simply marvelous pieces of satire to be enjoyed.

For example, one might expect a story about NASA finding the perfect planet that they have been searching for all along to be an amazing scientific breakthrough. Perhaps a scientific breakthrough is not the proper name for scientists discovering how important the Planet Earth is. Speaking of space, while our planet might be what scientists have been searching for all along, it is in fact located in the worst region of the universe. At first glance, this appears to mean that our location within the Milky Way is dangerous or unstable, but it really means our planet and surrounding galaxy are boring. The earth is located “billions of light years from any supermassive black holes, interstellar explosions, or even anything moderately cool,” says Stephen Lehr, head researcher of the International Astronomical Union. Our planet’s location on the outer arm of the Milky Way makes it one of the lamest backwaters in the universe.

An article about the U.N is always bound to catch the attention of readers. As the most influential supranational organization in the world, the U.N is bound to attract attention from all news outlets. However, surprising information released by Edward Snowden reveals the U.N’s plans to construct a mini-planet to be put in orbit of the earth. This new mini-planet will be a restart of sorts, allowing mankind to have a second chance and make right where they have wronged.

What can be concluded from the Friday Lynx is that cats do not belong in space. Especially cats that do not mew as much as caterwaul like someone who lost their leg.  Whether the satirical news be filled with superficial stories about Edward Snowden telling us of new planets to be created by the U.N or NASA facetiously discovering how important the Earth is, you can guarantee that it will be better to read than any other depressing news about lost kittens.