I have felt down lately: mixed up, not myself. I have felt so many things at once that overflow and overwhelm me, and then I have felt nothing. In the midst of the whirlwind of frustration and blank minds, I have been crowded with thoughts I couldn’t get rid of more quickly. I have felt anger at the world: angry at the awful and destructive and painful and deceitful, yet charming, things it held in its persuasive hands. I have been angry at the lack of self control, boldness, and strength within the people of the world. I have been angry that we all participate and encourage the world to continue sinking deeper, becoming dirtier and nastier. I am a part of it too, and naturally, the pleasures of the world look so good to us all in certain moments. These times have made me feel like I am spinning in the mass of it all.

I keep hoping to escape to an island in the middle of an ocean. It could be 5 ft. by 5 ft. That is all I want; in fact, I do not want it to be any bigger, more luxurious, filled with worldly desires. I want to stand there on an island that I can temporarily call home and be in the hush of the shore and the silence of the salty air blowing in my ears. Maybe then, I could sit there and be still. Maybe, like a battery, I could recharge and prepare myself to go out into the world again. Maybe, I could gain whatever it is that would make me ready to go back into the mess.

I do not want to conform to the world. I do not want to get lost, but I feel its pulsing desire to swallow me. I want to stand up, but my legs are overwhelmed trying to stay above the flat ground of the world, caving inwards.

I have been struggling; I will not keep it a secret. Struggling is not something to ever be ashamed of. It is honest, expected, raw, and stimulates growth. I am a silent struggler but not quite so much hidden. I do not want to hide a bit of who I am in dishonesty; I do not want to hide it from you, either. I am overwhelmed with the dishonesty of the world, with people pretending, creating facades to cover up the beauty of the truth, all in the name of deception and ruthless desires, all burying graves for the ignorant and blind. I hate hearing things when I walk down the hall. I hate hearing that someone had sex with someone else and that someone was drunk out of their mind, so far gone that he could not remember his own name. Every time I hear boys conversing about their favorite websites to stare at the bodies of exposed, naked, and/or edited women, my insides take a nose dive towards my heart at the diminishing value of a human being. I hear they were high as the clouds that are not visible from the ground. This is not God’s best for us. He wants a so much more for us.

My ears are ringing. All of this leads to pain. All of it. Stupid choices create more pain, encouraging the sinking to progress and create new, destructive paths that look, oh, so good to begin with. We all know what a good idea is and what a bad idea is; we have all seen what is coming. We know there are consequences, yet we continue to deceive ourselves and the people around us, tricking each other, refraining from the truth. Stop, for the good of our own being and for the well being of others. Just stop! But no, the world continues to spiral, and I am a part of it. I am a sinner in this world, too.

I am not angry at anyone. I am terribly sad for everyone. I am sad that there is so much pain and stupidity and that so much of it is caused by our own doing. I am mad that the world is holding it all in, together, as a unit decaying, yet growing bigger. I am not angry. I am overwhelmed. To keep going, I need to revamp, gather myself in a world that makes me feel small and feeble. But how? The only thing keeping me going is my Father himself. I know that with Jesus I am strong and able because of His strength and His ability.

After weeks of feeling like this I realized: I had been praying for God to break my heart for what breaks His. I cannot handle the capacity of his heartbreak; I have only had a glimpse of it and feel as if my feet are stapled to the floor.

I am so happy, filled with a joy beyond compare or circumstance. It cannot be taken away. My spirit was down, unaware of how to bounce back up with such a strong force of gravity. So I thought that, maybe, if I went to that island, free of everything awful in this world and basking in pure beauty, being silent, in awe, then I would be able to come back without being so weary, my eyes drooping, trying to process the burdens people are carrying and producing for themselves. I thought maybe if I walked away and came back, things would be more manageable; silly me.

In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Through these weeks of being overwhelmed with the troubles and pain and heartache and ignorance of the world, I have been so weighed down, thinking that I just needed to escape, to prepare myself once more for the world, and to take a step back.

I longed to run away, but I didn’t realize that I longed to run to the arms of Jesus. I am weary and burdened, but He promises to give us rest if we come to Him. I am craving a rest that only He can give me, going somewhere else for that rest will not be enough; it will not suffice or fulfill or satisfy or last… not even my quiet island. Jesus says to take his yoke on ourselves and to learn from him. He is all we need. He can renew us. Time with him in silence and in noise. I need secluded quiet time, and only with Him and His strength can I go charging back into the world, only with him will I have what it takes to survive, to stand, to not be swallowed, drowned, suffocated. I won’t be just surviving. I will be rejoicing.

My encouragement to you and myself is to come to God with your burdens. When your heart is breaking, you’re breathing in and out of exhaustion, or life has become a motion of blahs, He can give us rest, restoration. He can help us stand, and will, in fact, hold us up.