The Raider Wire

Freshman Causes Widespread Despair with Geographic Cluelessness

The exasperated groaning sounds were reportedly heard as far away as the 200 hallway. “I heard the students’ cries while in biology,” said Sophia Pereira, a freshman who was in the 200 hallway during the AP Human Geography class incident. “That must be a good fifty yards between the bio class and the pods, right? And there are the brick walls, too. The AP Human students must have been very irritated.”

The exasperated groaning sounds were reportedly heard as far away as the 200 hallway. “I heard the students’ cries while in biology,” said Sophia Pereira, a freshman who was in the 200 hallway during the AP Human Geography class incident. “That must be a good fifty yards between the bio class and the pods, right? And there are the brick walls, too. The AP Human students must have been very irritated.”

Jack Scott, Staff Writer

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In a stunning display of ignorance, Jay Marois, a freshman in AP Human Geography class, pointed at the small northern European country of Denmark on Friday when asked to locate China on a map. “I just can’t believe it,” said a shocked and appalled onlooker who asked to remain anonymous. “Like, I get it if you mess up on the -stans or those small Central American countries. But China? How do you not find China on a map?” Mr. Marois apparently caused further anguish when he argued with a fellow student over what continent France was in, prompting some to question how he was unable to find the country that he was born in.

 

“And then he tried telling me that Texas was in Canada,” Katherine Jarvinen, a fellow student who was hospitalized after getting a concussion from aggressively banging her head against a desk, told the Raider Wire. “Canada! How do you even do that? I mean, I’m not too great at that either. But Jay is just on another level. I’m sorry, he is just a complete moron. He thinks Antarctica is a Caribbean island, Britain is in India, and Mexico is in the Arctic!”

 

A frustrated Marois, on the verge of tears, begged to differ. “Look, I know I’m not great at maps and countries and stuff. But I’m not the only one! Come on, how many people do you know can find Serbia or Bhutan-ia or Norwegian-land-istan? At least I know where California is! No, wait, that’s not California. California is in Asia, right? Right?”

 

In a move described as absolutely insane and headache-inducing by classmates, Marois later got into an argument with Principal Jeff Cheney over whether Australia was the name of a country or a NASA Mars rover. The argument was reportedly so heated that two teachers needed to restrain Marois so he would not call the organization and ask himself.

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Freshman Causes Widespread Despair with Geographic Cluelessness