There is one problem that goes entirely unnoticed in the United States: traffic cones. There are simply too many of them. They crowd streets and block passersby. They fill sidewalks where there isn’t even any real construction.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves; there are different kinds of cones. The most threatening ones are boxy, cylindrical and plastered with neon orange stripes that blind you when you approach a narrow bend.
Somewhere in the U.S., there is a grand warehouse; in that warehouse, there are metal shelves. These shelves are lined with thousands of government-regulated traffic cones. There’s a woman who barks out orders like a dictator and rules with an iron thumb. Workers mill about, underpaid and overworked.
Each day, these workers strategically place traffic cones where it looks like there might be construction. There isn’t any construction. Another set of workers dress up as pedestrians and knock over certain cones so that one might perhaps run into it with their car, creating an accident.
All workers must abide by certain standards. There are daily and monthly quotas. “It’s impossible,” one employee says. “There aren’t enough hours in a day to place 5,600 cones.” The quota used to be 6,000; however, new regulations stated that 6,000 was unreasonable. Management lowered it by 400 cones.
To compensate, some workers have been slacking off by placing less distance between the cones, meaning they can be placed faster. One person was fired because he got “caught red-handed,” or as management says, “orange-handed.”
His best friend, whom he met on the job, was devastated. “It’s unbearable, working without him. It’s like I can feel his presence every time I place a cone. Those infuriating, obnoxious, neon—” he blubbers. He crashed out before he could finish his sentence. We haven’t heard from him since then.
Who funds this cruel operation? Insurance companies.
The more cones that are made, the more that can be placed. The more cones that are placed, the more can be knocked over. The more that are knocked over, the more likely innocent citizens—like you—are to drive into one. The more cone-induced accidents, the more money insurance companies make.
It’s all one big capitalistic ploy. You must do your part as a proud American citizen and spread the word. Help us make this country safe again. #EndTrafficConeViolence
