The Morally Ambiguous Chronicle of Billy Cheesecakes


Billy Cheesecakes’s favorite animal was the unicorn. He would ride the beast through Jeruslalem and other cities as he commited his ethically dubious acts. Billy Cheesecakes’s unicorn was known as the fastest mount in all of the Middle East.

The knights of Mordor Great Candyland were valiant slaughterers, addicted to the concept of death grand and noble men, who fought bravely for Mordor Candyland. They rode their demonhounds rainbow-barfing unicorns into combat, deathly pitchfork friendship lance in hand. They were prepared to do anything to defend their hellish gloriously happy kingdom. They wore armor made of thick hellfire mixed with pitch-black obsidian solidified puppy cuteness that could destroy the morale of the puny infidels make anyone smile and wish for peace.

One hellish rainbow-filled day, the knights were pouring molten iron down the throats of the heretics baking muffins with multicolored sprinkles. Word had arrived via flaming Orcish messengers cute fluffy kittens that there was a glorious crusade holy pilgrimage to the great city of Jerusalem. Thousands of demonic warlords from across the demon realm vassal lords of the great happy king ventured to the city to spread the blood and gore of millions of heretics across the scalding sand of the unholy land holy word of the benevolent candy god. They traveled to the holy land to participate in the capture, pillaging, conquest, and redistribution of lands to the demonic feudal warlords vying for the attention of the Dark Lord Sauron preaching the moral imperative to love and accept one another, no matter who they are, what color their skin is, or what religion they follow.

The greatest man of this crusade pilgrimage was a demon an angel known as Billy Cheesecakes. He followed the word of the Dark Lord Great Candy King Happyrainbowpuppy by impaling heathens, flaying them, and then eating them alive in front of their loved ones donating all of his money to charities and civil services, feeding the poor and buying children kittens and puppies. He violently stormed gracefully waltzed through the streets, harshly happily delivering wild dogs fluffy cute puppies to all of the plagued infidels and heathens wonderful, happy townspeople. His great bloodied axe glittery staff was cast upon the feeble peasants great people of Jerusalem.

However, Billy Cheesecakes came upon a conundrum. He was unsure whether his great quest was a Jihad or a Crusade he was delivering puppies and kittens to enough people. He was unsure if his ways of torturing the masses bestowing happiness were adequate in ensuring his infamy recognition by the high blood rainbow council of Mordor Candyland. Billy Cheesecakes realized that it was imperative that he find a solution, but the ear-tearing noise of inferior heretics screaming for mercy crowds cheering in his name made it impossible to think. He returned to Mordor Candyland to ponder and discover a solution to his growing conundrum. Billy Cheesecakes sat in a pool of molten lava, filled with the lost souls of innocents glistening spring water, clear as can be. After many days of reaching into the depths of his mind in search of answers, Billy Cheesecakes discovered a solution. He was not waging bloody war as a Crusade or a Jihad, as he was fighting for the dark lord Sauron bringing happiness in a wide enough area, as there were many cities nearby that remained unhappy. Billy Cheesecakes concluded that more cities than Jerusalem would have to fall to his bloody sword the surrounding cities needed his attention and love.

When Billy Cheesecakes returned to the area surrounding Jerusalem, he made his way towards Tel Aviv, Damascus, and Amman to spread the reach of the killing fields he and his fellow dark servants have created his undying grace and love, which would reach out and embrace all of the people of these cities. By the time Billy Cheesecakes had completed his tiring work, a grotesque scar had been carved from the crimson blood of the worthless heathens the people of Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, Amman, and Damascus were happier, cleaner, and richer as a result of his actions. Billy Cheesecakes was heralded as the greatest and most successful of his kind, and his actions were guidelines for the moral standard of all of the people.