It is that time of year again: paper hearts, melted chocolates and cheesy romance puns. Couples passionately make-out in the hallway and the kids around you have desks overflowing with pink and red cards. The love bug has started its persistent buzzing in the ears of naive, flirty teenagers. February reminds all of us single folks that we are pretty dang lonely. Are you single and starting to get sick of all the lovey-dovey nonsense? Do you think you are finally ready for a date? This year, assure yourself a date by taking this advice to heart. Make 2018 your year for romance!

1. Get their attention.

Talk to them. The number one rule on trying to get someone’s attention is communication. No matter how hard you try, telepathy just is not going to work. Start a small conversation, maybe about your English class or the existence of aliens, and try to get the ball rolling. Another tip is to never look at the person directly while talking to them. Stare at the ceiling or the window like you saw a flying man. It will keep things interesting and they will not know what you are looking at: a dog? Another, cuter person? A ghost? The curiosity is endless!

During the conversation, use your hands as much as possible. It is very flirtatious to wave your arms around and smack the person while doing so; remember, that is how birds find their mate! Add your own flair to the situation: perhaps by throwing in a dance move, or singing every word, or increasing your volume each time they say the word “and.” Make the conversation your own, you are the boss!

2. Start dropping hints.

Your crush will never know you are into them unless you let them know. People are pretty oblivious sometimes. Move simple conversations to something more with a little bit of flirting, like tossing in a wink or a hair flip. A hair flip when you are bald is especially sexy. Do they have a social media page? Good! One of the top flirting tips is scrolling years back and like photos from 2014. Leave a winky-face emoji in the captions on every one of their posts. DM them every five minutes. Persistence equals success!

Shower them with attention. You can stare at them from across the room at all times; breaking eye contact is a big no-no! Another tip is to yell romantic puns at them with full volume. “Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, because so did Lucifer!” (Quote given by freshman Bennett Goellner).

3. Change your style to look identical to them. It is hot.

If you think they look good in what they are wearing, you sure will too! Start wearing clothes exactly like them, or try to snatch the same brands or colors they wear. Get your hair cut! If your potential date has long hair, try growing it out! However, if you are not really into that kind of thing, you can always purchase a wig or kindly suggest for them to cut their hair. Hey, they may even like you more if you do it for them while they are asleep in class! Consider carrying around a picture of them to show people who you are proudly dressing like. They will find it flattering that you are talking about them to everyone who notices your clothes and the photo of them in your hand. Another solid tip is picking up slang terms or accents your date uses. Become them! Absorb their personality! There no longer exists two people: you are the same person living the same life now.

4. Fake a British accent.

People love a British accent. Bring the culture of the U.K. into your flirting methods, and you are sure to win them over! Critics say French is the language of love, but who’s beaten them at almost every war? You cannot win with fluffy French talk; you have to show power and an unbeaten desire to conquer everything, even if it seriously was never ever in a million years yours to take. It is quite a romantic gesture! Carry crumpets and boiling leaf water (that is what the Brits call tea) in your pockets to always have on hand. It never hurts to give out some sweet British treats! Be sure to check out some tutorials on how to perfect the British accent. You have made it this far, so why give a lousy accent?

5. Give them a gift.

Gifts are a huge symbol for love and admiration. It shows the receiver that you care about them enough to spend your hard-earned cash on them. Some gifts ideas could be…

• An empty cup
• A single baby carrot
• A blade of grass from your neighbor’s backyard
• Tylenol, but the generic brand that has a little bunny on it
• A box of Ritz crackers with a half-empty bottle of Spray Cheese
• 1 (one) shoe
• A pack of clothes hangers
• A British Dictionary (if you followed step 4 like you were supposed to, they may need some help deciphering your flirty talk)
• A pencil you found on the ground
• A poem! Here’s an example;

“Leg so hot

Hot hot leg

Leg so hot u fry an egg”

There are so many more ideas than the wonderful few on our list. Add your own touch to each present, like a threatening ransom note made from newspaper clippings that spells out “love you fool.” Try to come up with a few of your own ideas, because personalized gifts are so much better than those lame gift cards or wine bottles or cars. No one ever wants a car. Ever.

6. Ask them out on a date. Maybe to a Kroger to watch lobster fights.

Finally, use all of your hard work to lead up to the biggun: a date. A date is super important to actually having a person to date, and the first one is the most important. It can leave lasting impressions that make or break the relationship. In order to have the best date possible, you need to consider food, location and attire. For food, something crazy and weird is your best bet. Escargot or fried sheep liver is the perfect meal to show someone how much you love them. Make sure to find out if your date is allergic to anything, because you do not want your date to end up dead, unless it is from laughing at your slapstick humor.

For location, it is very important to think about a romantic atmosphere. Some of the most romantic vibes come from McDonald’s, Golden Corral, the snack bar at Walmart or even the Subway next door to the gas station that mysteriously closed 15 years ago. The lower the health score, the higher you will score on your date!

Consider your appearance before taking that special someone out to dinner. Arriving to a restaurant naked just is not going to cut it. Rent a clown suit. Steal clothes from their parents’ wardrobe. Become their parents. You are the parent. You are making it work.

Finally, make sure to set the mood with conservation and music. On the drive over, make sure to plug up the aux and play a couple of romantic tunes. Play the song in the restaurant, too, over the speaker system. Some song ideas are “Africa” by Toto, “Kero Kero Bonito” by Flamingo, Kidz Bop Greatest Hits, “Wake Me Up” by Evanescence, and “Careless Whisper” by Wham!. Music can truly set the tone. Revisit some tips from Step 1 to get a solid conversation going.

Those are a few of my favorite tips on getting a date! Follow them, and I can guarantee something is going to happen!

Author’s Note:

In all seriousness, having or not having a date does not make you any less of a person. As long as that person makes you happy, relationships are fruitful and important. You do not need a relationship in order to be cool or happy. Just be yourself, and you will obtain the truest version of happiness. Do not change in order to get someone to like you.

Let yourself be you this year. If you have a date, cool! If you do not, cool!

Make 2018 your year to shine, and stay safe out there.