Paranoia for the Survivalist: The Not-so Natural Disaster


A stake is a good weapon of defense against vampires. The problem with this is that you have to have the strength to drive the stake hard enough, and actually hit the heart, because if you miss, you are in a lot of trouble, my friend.

Noelle Walker, Facebook Admin

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Everyone who has ever seen a horror movie has a good idea of the do’s and don’ts.

For example: do not split up. If this advice is not followed, then at least half of the group is dead. It is inevitable.

Following that last statement, do not go anywhere alone. After all, the guy with the mask has a thing about picking people off one by one, does he not?

If you hear a weird noise or think you see something strange, run the other way. If you go check it out to see what it is, you are dead. You know those people that watch a horror movie and say “Don’t go in there!” when the person is obviously going to anyway? Yeah, follow their advice.

The only person you can trust is yourself. The seemingly normal roommate you have could indeed be insane. That boyfriend you love so much? He has the potential to be the killer. (Scream, anyone?)

Subsequent to the Scream reference, do not believe that everyone that is dead is actually dead. (They could just be the killer.) After all, there are always sequels to these kinds of movies.

Do not try to hide the body of someone you accidentally killed. It is probably best to tell an officer and get the guilt off your chest and have a chance at a somewhat normal life. Well, that and so they will not really be alive and seek their vengeance on you.

Also, do not enter areas that are closed off from the public. This is probably for a reason. Along with this, do not take anything from any ancient places. Who knows what else you could be bringing home with you without your knowledge.

Make sure you do a background check before purchasing a house, and the property around it: it could just be on an Indian burial ground.

Lastly, it is probably best to avoid getting on anyone’s bad side. (After all, who knows if the government will make a law where one day a year all crime is legal and call it The Purge. I would hate to be the guy no one likes.)

Zombie Apocalypse

Oh, the dreaded zombie apocalypse. Countless films, novels, and fears are associated with this disaster. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but zombies come from some old beliefs. As a society, old beliefs of what a zombie should be has been altered so much that it is a wonder who on Earth could believe such a thing exists. Nonetheless, here is how to survive one of these apocalypses. Ya know, just in case.

Well, obviously, the first thing to do is be prepared. As sophomore Owen Wickman suggests, have a kit and weapons. You are going to need the survival kit because, seriously, have you ever seen a zombie movie where the world is not in chaos? Recourses are quickly diminished. Buildings are on fire. Vehicles are in pieces. People are killing each other off in order to get life saving resources. (Which, by the way, makes no sense. I’m pretty sure the best thing to do is preserve humanity. Like, seriously guys, Human Moral 101.)

One good thing to do is get together a team; however, make sure that it is a good team. You do not want teammates that will bring you down or sacrifice you to save their own skin. Also, make sure that they have something planned on how to survive the apocalypse and what to do in the meantime. After all, you do not want to waste what little time you have left searching for a Twinkie.

Do not judge people by their looks. A crying little girl or panicky teenager could in fact be someone who is ready to attack you the moment you turn your back. Yeah, it happens.

Also, think about your actions before you do them. For example: do not leave an untrustworthy group member with your only running vehicle. It is common sense.

One thing that is most surprising to some people is that no one has ever truly looked for a cure to the zombie infestation. Sure, there might be a movie like that one in a blue moon, but most situations are based on just survival. The best thing to do is to take one for the team. You do not want some aliens to come to Earth and see a bunch of mindless drones with flesh hanging off their face and think that was all there ever was. For real though, stop worrying about yourself and go out and save humanity.

The Hunger Games

24 teenage tributes from 12 districts in a fight to the death? What could possibly go wrong?

Sometimes it is better to focus on surviving instead of winning. As Haymitch says, the key to survival is getting people to like you. That is how you get sponsors. If the sponsors like a tribute, then, chances are, they will send them things necessary to the tribute’s survival.

It also helps to be clever. This includes the basics like what berries to eat (you do not want to pull a Foxface, do you?), the different types of environments, and how to use a weapon. Another key to survival is to make allies. The more people in a group, the less likely it is to be attacked by other participants and the more of a chance to make a fire without being challenged; however, when almost everyone else is dead, it is every man for himself.

There are a few victors who spent the whole time in the arena playing it safe by hiding. They camouflaged themselves into their surroundings to say hidden, just like Peeta Mellark did in the 74th annual Hunger Games.

All of these are tips necessary for any potential victor’s survival. Or you could just pull a Katniss Everdeen and start a rebellion.

Ah, the dreaded spoiler. At least every one of us has come across one in our lifetime. There are different reactions. There are the people who could care less if they hear one, there are people who actually want them, and, with a more devoted fan, they could make it seem like the world is coming to an end.

If you hear one and you are like me, you just want to curl up in the corner and bang your head against the wall to make yourself forget. In order to stop this emotional madness, here is a guide to how to avoid spoilers.

When you are reading any kind of book or watching a show, especially in a series, avoid talking about it. With anyone. You do not want someone to be like “Oh! Did you get to the part where Will dies?” or “Are you at the part where her sister gets blown up?”

Do not, I mean DO NOT go anywhere until you have sat your butt down in a chair and finished the book. If you have to leave your house, avoid all social media and book nerds, especially if it is a newly released book. You also may want to stay off any website or page or hashtag that has anything to do with the book(s) you are reading. It could spoil something later in the book, or even in the series.

If you hear someone talking about the book you are currently reading, get away. Leave the room. Run as fast as your legs will carry you. Because if you stay, no matter how hard you try not to hear it, you will anyway.

If you follow this advice, it should protect you from (most) of the spoiler community.



People have been telling stories about aliens for as long as some of us care to remember. Stories about people being abducted, brought back, or even brainwashed into not remembering anything about the incident, and I am sure some of us had to have asked ourselves at least once in our life if it could be true. After all, those stories had to have come from somewhere, did they not?

Multiple articles claim that when aliens come to ‘abduct you’ or whatever it is aliens do, you’re paralyzed. To break this paralysis, you need to make some kind of movement. Even if you twitch your finger, it should break the hold.  I am sure there are more ways, but if you really need to find out, look it up yourself. Because if you think this alien abduction segment is strange, you should see the websites.

Alien invasions can also be a problem. So, if you see something that resembles a possible alien invasion, take cover. A place that is not obvious will probably work the best as a hideout. Just like the zombie apocalypse, it is also best to stockpile on recourses. After this is done, it might be smart to get a team together and plot on how to get your planet back.


The Vampire: Deadly. Hungry. And—sparkly?

Okay, maybe Stephanie Meyer went a little too far on the sparkly aspect of vampires, but nevertheless, the ‘deadly’ and ‘hungry’ (for blood) still apply.

A common method that turns vampires into dust in a matter of seconds is sunlight. Expose them and *poof*, that deadly vampire is as harmless as a dust bunny.

Another technique is the trusty stake-through-the-heart. The problem with this is that you have to have the strength to drive the stake hard enough, and actually hit the heart, because if you miss, you are in a lot of trouble, my friend.

While garlic will not necessarily kill a vampire, it will repel them. And everyone else around you. Crucifixes and Holy water can also ward off vampires if the garlic option does not suffice.

Nevertheless, all these methods have been around since the beginning of the vampire legend. While it may be a little weird to walk around alone at night carrying a wooden stake in your purse, a better plan is to just not walk around at night at all. There are worse things than vampires out there.


So, read this guide. Memorize it. Because if aliens abduct you, they probably are not going to let you do a search on the internet for how to escape them.

The possibility of (most) of these happening? Next to none. But if you end up in the middle of a horror movie, or even in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, you will be ready.