An Interview on Prom with the Most Unqualified Person Imaginable


NFHS Senior, Justin Ebert, sits proudly next to a poster for the prom he “took no part in planning.”

Rayne Crivelli, Staff Writer

This past week, I was lucky enough to sit down with senior Justin Ebert for an interview about prom. As we all know, Ebert was North’s Junior Class President last year, meaning he was the head of prom committee. He and the other junior class officers helped make prom a magical night, with a theme everyone adored. This year, Justin is once again our class president, and continues to influence North’s prom. At least, enough people have asked him about prom to make it seem like he has a place on committee. In fact, when asked how many people had approached him about prom this year, Justin responded: “Every single person. All of them.” This interview is to hopefully answer some “frequently asked questions” Justin has been receiving in regards to prom this year.

RF: How was the process of creating this year’s prom theme?
JE: I might not be in a very good position to answer this, on account of the fact that I’m not the person in charge of this year’s prom.
RF: So you are “not on prom committee” is what you are saying?
JE: Yeah, that would be correct. The junior class officers are in charge of it, so…
RF: And you are not a junior class officer?
JE: No.
RF: Well what theme would you have picked for the dance?
JE: I don’t like to think of prom as a dance. I like to think of it more as a social gathering where people move. To music. I think for prom, I would have just had a large bowl of gelatin.
RF: So would your ad campaign have revolved around bowls of gelatin, or-
JE: No. I would have a public prom theme, a cover, to get them in the door. The cover-up prom theme would probably be something like 1960s, rat-pack type stuff.
RF: Last year you had several duties to complete on prom night. Can you give us a summary of what you will be doing this prom night?
JE: Well, since I won’t be there, because I’m not in charge of it and I don’t want to go: conservative estimates place me at eating two pounds of Goldfish, while more liberal estimates place me at three pounds. That’s probably what I’ll be doing on prom night.
RF: This is a moderate news agency, so how much Goldfish are we speaking?
JE: Let’s go with two and a half pounds.
RF: And will you be getting these Goldfish from Petco, or…?
JE: It’s good that you made this distinction. I won’t be eating Goldfish the fish, I will be eating Goldfish the crackers. I don’t really see how you misunderstood that.
RF: As the head of prom committee-
JE: I’m not the head of prom committee.
RF: The head of prom committee must respect the fine art of the “promposal”. What has been your favorite “promposal” ever?
JE: Uh, I’m not the head of the prom committee, but I can probably still answer this. I’d have to go with the classic: writing it on everything the girl owns. So, we’re talking, writing “prom” on her car, writing “prom” on her house, her phone, any food she eats. Everything.
(The Raider Flatline could not confirm whether this type of “promposal” had ever actually been attempted.)
RF: Are you planning a “promposal” yourself?
JE: No, I will not be going to prom.
RF: (forcefully) Are you planning a “promposal” yourself?
JE: Yes, I will be skydiving it, and as we skydive, we will form the word prom.
RF: What lucky lady will you have on your arm on prom night?
JE: Since I’m not actually going to prom, Michelle Obama.
RF: How do you feel about artist RiFF RaFF offering to escort students to prom for $28,000?
JE: Um, I’m not afraid to take a stance on this. I think it’s a mockery of both RiFF RaFF and prom. And $28,000.
RF: What restaurants do you suggest for students to make their prom extraordinary?
JE: Well I’m a big fan of minimizing costs when going to prom, because I think the whole thing is ridiculous. So, I recommend making food on your own. It could add a sentimental touch.
RF: Who will you be wearing at prom? Calvin Klein? Hugo Boss?
JE: Do you remember the pink Chanel suit that Jackie Kennedy was wearing during JFK’s assassination?
RF: Of course, who could forget it?
JE: I will be wearing a version of that, but for men.
RF: Will your iconic flip flops be making an appearance?
JE: Y’know, I’m almost insulted that that question has to be asked. Honestly, my image would be incomplete without me wearing flip flops in a situation where they are totally uncalled for.
RF: The prom theme this year is “Viva la Venice.” Will there be a gondola? Will you be rowing it?
JE: Well, I don’t want to give away anything. On the record: No?
RF: Prom night is one of the biggest nights of the year for accidents among teen drivers. What do you recommend to help teens stay safe and resist the urge to drink and drive?
JE: Hire RiFF RaFF. He’ll take care of you.
RF: Finally, what day is prom on?
JE: Prom will be on Maypril 28th.