Beekeeper’s Guide to the Galaxy: How to Punch Bees

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Above is photographed the horror of a bee upon beeing punched savagely.

Ashton Bruce and Megan Hoffman

Have you ever had pesky bees lingering around your rose bushes acting like they have business being there? Have you ever had bees in tiny suits minding their own business in your backyard and just had the urge to punch them out? Have you ever had a self-righteous bee punch you out? You are in luck. While there are plenty of articles that explain how to escape bees, there are none that explain to you how to defend yourself from bees— until now.

There is a common myth that bees are typically docile creatures, which they are not. Those stinging menaces find it actually okay to defend their nests by possible predators, deserve to be punched into the soil where their tombs reside. Anthophila (the bee’s satanic Latin name) can only be defeated in one way: punching.

First, you need to identify what is a bee and what is not. For example, if you ever come across a two-legged, hairless animal with a large head, do not punch it. That is a baby, not a bee. What’s wrong with you? Have you never seen a baby? Bees are typically black and yellow striped, monstrous creatures with wings that beat 200 times per second (which only means your fists need to be faster). If you ever come across a gentle, kind, beet-red, smiling, cute, little bug with wings that only beat 117 times per second (which is not that fast), do not punch! You have confused the docile wasp with the retched, cruel bee. Protect wasps at all costs. They are the epitome of the American dream.

Once you have identified what a bee is, finding the bee is easy; bees are found in gardens and other areas of vegetation, such as flowery meadows. After finding your choice area of bee-punching, you must calculate the exact movement of the bee, including the variable of their weight, which causes them to bob up and down and could lower your punching accuracy. A simple equation used to calculate the exact trajectory of your fist to the bee’s smug face can be found here:

 

z=2b*e*e+19*,x+y+2*z=9,x+7*y-z=11/13(x)+7

 

Now, the actual punching of the bee is a bit more complex: the proper rearing of your arm can be achieved by jerking back so that your fist is by your ear with your elbow jutting past your shoulders with your fingers clenched into a fist and your wrist cocked but not strained, while your teeth are gritted for maximum anger expulsion. Once your winged victim is in sight, fling your fist forward directly into the bee’s body. Watch the bee suffer and fling backwards; if the force of your punch does not push the bee in the opposite direction, you did it wrong. Drive your fist into the bee. The bee will be afraid. Show no mercy. The bee will cry out in pain. Punch the bee. Continue punching bees. Never stop punching bees.

Congratulations! You have now learned the proper way to punch a bee! Be sure to have fun in your assault. Remember: everyone can punch bees—man, woman, child, grandma, dog. You are not excluded from ending the reign of bees; anyone can help end the terror.