Flatline: Recep Tayyip Erdogan Declares Neo-Ottoman Empire


The Ottoman flag hangs behind Sultan Erdogan, dressed in classic Ottoman royal attire, as he makes the announcement of his status as absolute monarch at the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul. Many historical Ottoman Sultans wore oversized turbans that some have compared to onions. “Anyone who compares the Holy Turban to an onion in the Neo-Ottoman Empire shall be stoned to death,” Erdogan mentioned when asked about the comparison.

Jack Scott and Owen Wickman

Recep Tayyip Erdogan, former president of Turkey, has declared himself Absolute Galactic Grand Sultan and Caesar of the Glorious and Unassailable Neo-Ottoman Empire, or, in short, The Sultan of Turkey. Following revelations of brilliance that thwarted an Armenian-Communist-Freemason-Jewish-Illuminati-American plot that aimed to destroy the Turkish state and reestablish the Byzantine Empire, Erdogan delivered a speech via hologram to locations all across the country, announcing his brilliance of mind and devotion to the restoration of the Ottoman Empire. His rise to the position of Sultan has caused many concerns amongst western nations. However, these concerns are irrelevant, and the Turkish public should not concern itself with the affairs of lesser peoples.

Sultan Erdogan immediately began rebuilding the shell of the once great Ottoman Empire into the state it once was. All schools in the magnificent country are now to comply with reformed government education policy. By making the teaching of Ottoman Turkish mandatory, the plebeians of the Neo-Ottoman Empire will avoid the degeneracy of the western alphabet and rise to become virtuous, honorable servants to the Sultan. Schools have been reequipped with new, infallible history textbooks that include the obvious and completely true Muslim discovery of the Americas in 1178. The false belief that Christopher Columbus was the first European to reach America has been stricken from existence, and mentioning this false idea can result in imprisonment.  These textbooks, filled with accurate information, will bring enlightenment and rapture to all who lay their eyes upon them. Benevolent Sultan Erdogan also decreed to the joy of many that firstborn male children are exempt from basic schooling; they instead are to receive higher levels of education and report immediately to Camp [REDACTED BY OTTOMAN GOVERNMENT] to receive training in the marvelous art of being a janissary.

In addition, Sultan Erdogan has announced plans to make polygamous marriages mandatory, a move seen as wise by his council.

“This idea will create many more babies to be drafted and turned into brainwa- I mean loyal and enlightened Janissaries,” says Berk Turk, an esteemed council member and well known father of seventy. “I think that forcing all citizens to take on multiple spouses will bring great prosperity to the Ottoman realm.” With a confident grin and an adjustment of his zipper, he adds, “Besides, just think of the children!”

The Glorious Sultan also declared all forms of social media and independent media illegal. This includes YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, and news networks not approved by the government. He commissioned state-approved alternatives such as ErdoganBook, TurkeyTube, and the most popular, Ottoman+. Glorious Sultan also coerced news sources across the country to comply with approved regulations on content, among other things. News sources (and the general public) are no longer allowed to use the words “Armenia,” “Armenian,” or “Armenians.” Turkish news networks have changed their names to government-authorized names, like Grey Wolf News, which has come in the stead of Fox News, or Neo-Ottoman Propaganda Radio (NPR for short.) The Grand Sultan removed all the biased, false, decadent news networks based out of inferior western nations.

Critics state that Erdogan’s policies are either going too far with the traditionalism or not going far enough. Political opponent from the opposition party “Really Extremist Opposition Party” Mohammad Nagodre commented that Erdogan “Ottoman up and enact the reforms that need to be enacted, like forcing all citizens to wear burkas outdoors and having all prisoners stoned to death for minor crimes,” when interviewed by Grey Wolf News last Friday.

Whether or not all people agree, Erdogan is clearly out to bring the state of Turkey into an enlightened era of peace and prosperity for all. Ignoring the mass casualties and riots in the streets, The Sultanate of Turkey can be described as the happiest place on Earth.