“Thank You, Next” – How to X Out Your Ex

“break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” -Ariana Grande
Photo designed on Canva with credit to Google Images.

“break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” -Ariana Grande Photo designed on Canva with credit to Google Images.

Anna Goellner, Literary Magazine Editor

Author’s Note:

This piece is satirical. In reality, I suggest not handling break ups with casual distaste. You are dealing two hearts in a relationship, so breaking up can go terribly wrong or pretty decent. It is okay to want to break up with someone – it is expected and a natural part of growing up. Break ups are no fun whatsoever, but you got this!

Your relationship has been going on for a while, and it is starting to go downhill. Communication is awkward, going on dates is a chore, and the butterflies stopped fluttering a long time ago. You just are not feeling it anymore, ya know? You are ready for it to end.

Breaking up can be pretty scary. There are so many ways to go about it, and there is no way of knowing how the other person is going to take it. How can you nail the perfect break-up?

Here are some ideas on how to effectively break up with someone…

  1. Take them to a movie, and as soon as the lights dim, lean over and whisper “I think we should break up.”

Ah, the dark, mysterious, and romantic vibes of a movie theater. You are surrounded by people, yet it still feels like you are completely alone (that is why so many couples make-out during a movie). The silence of a theater pretty much demands your partner to stay quiet, which removes the threat of an argument! After you break up with them, you two will just have to sit in silence and watch the movie. If they pay for your ticket, that is just a surprise bonus!

  1. Arrange a special picnic and tell them “not to sit down, your date is coming.”

This comes straight from Leslie Knope, the main character of NBC’s “Parks and Recreation.” Ask your soon-to-be-ex to meet you in the local park, and right before they sit down on the carefully laid out plaid blanket covered in sandwiches and pies, tell them to stop because someone else is coming. This is a quick and easy break up. You are breaking up with your old partner and simultaneously moving on to a new one at the same time! Two stones with one bird, as they say.

  1. Bake them a cake and use your frosting skills to leave them a special message.

Cakes are super fun, and they can bring celebration to any occasion. Get a reign on your bakery skills and whip up a sweet treat for your significant other. With some cool decorating stencils and brightly colored frosting, spell out a individual phrase that shows you want to be break up. “We need to break up” or “I am dumping you” in fancy, script font will really get the point across. It will also taste super sweet! They are not your sweetheart anymore.

  1. Get your mom to break up with them for you

When you get yourself a messenger, you will not have to do any of the hard talking. If your potential ex chooses to get angry, you will not have to be the one to deal with it! This tip is interchangeable for dads, friends, kids from your math class, even the mailman! You can rest at ease knowing that the hard part is being taken care of for you – put your feet up and sip on a fruit smoothie.

  1. Use skywriting! Super fun!

Skywriting is a super awesome way to send an important message. It is perfect for a breakup! Take them outside, point at the sky, and look! Your message is beautifully spread out across the bright blue sky. It is decorative, classy, and exciting! The sky is your giant canvas, and you can make some pretty cool breakup art. Dip into your flamboyant side with this idea of a breakup. Loop-de-loop away your relationship woes and stick it in the clouds.

  1. Use social media

Have you seen the CW original “Gossip Girl”? Well, roll out the red carpet and break up with your significant other using the oldest trick in the millennial book: social media! With a sly Instagram post or a blunt tweet, everyone, including your doomed significant other, will know you are ready to leave a relationship. You could always add a complex flare with social media puzzles, gossiping blog posts or cryptic messages that are in no way clear. Social media is an immensely valuable tool in today’s world – use it to escape your dreaded relationship.

Every relationship ends in one of two ways: you marry the person, or you break up. It is an unavoidable part of growing up and dating. Sometimes you just have to do what you need to do. When you break up with someone, why not end it with an awesome dose of pizzaz? Lean back, relax, and put on your favorite Netflix show – because when you follow advice this good, you are on your way to be single!

Which of these would you do?

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