Phil Deserves Respect


Support for Phil is support for America (Design by: Sarah Treusch).

In America and Canada, Groundhog Day is a beloved tradition where Phil, the 137-year-old groundhog, exits his burrow and reveals whether the following six weeks will be prolonged winter or early spring in terms of weather conditions. If he catches a glimpse of his shadow, then cold weather will linger, and if not, the six weeks after Feb. 2 will warm just like Greta Thunberg suggests. How can we, as a highly intelligent, technologically advanced society, trust an oversized rodent to predict the weather? Despite common disbelief, Phil is almost overqualified for the position.


If there is one thing Americans love, it’s a candidate with a questionable stance on major political issues. Mental health is a crisis in America, and with Generation Z, the hope for mental health improving in coming years is a joke. Phil stands with depressed people. The Cleveland Clinic defines seasonal depression as “a type of depression that’s triggered by a change in seasons, usually when fall starts. This seasonal depression gets worse in the late fall or early winter before ending in the sunnier days of spring.” Phil loves the mentally ill with such depth that he statistically witnesses his shadow upon departing from his burrow, in hopes to extend the period in which individuals suffering from seasonal depression writhe and anguish. Phil takes action. Phil has seen his shadow 107 Groundhog Days out of 137 in total. That 78 percent is better than Bengal’s quarterback and heartthrob Joe Burrow’s pass completion accuracy by 10 percent. America loves Joe Shiesty. “I have seasonal depression, and I love Phil,” said senior Reagan McMichen.


Additionally, as current United States’ Senate footage shows, America stans Taylor Swift. While the Senate was laying down Swift’s lyrics, Phil was following in her footsteps. Although an award-winning, record-shattering album written, produced and performed by Phil would be ground-breaking, that simply isn’t the path he took. New York University recently awarded Swift with her honorary doctorate because her impact on the music industry is phenomenal. A little birdy, who may or may not be Earthing the most popular penguin on Club Penguin, shared a silly little rumor that Phil, too, will be receiving his doctorate in meteorology this spring, which he predicted to have a slow arrival this year by the way. “A rodent with an education and loves Taylor Swift? I trust that rodent’s opinion,” said McMichen. A rodent with an education. What else can you ask for?


But, wait; there’s more. Appearances aren’t just for the faint of heart. This was proven in politics when presidential candidates’ debates began being aired on live television. The Kennedy-Nixon debate is proof; this life-altering debate finally gave the voters of America the opportunity to really get a good look at the candidates and how they present themselves. Nixon, previously, had been the optimal candidate, but Kennedy’s charm stole the presidency away, according to Phil just really took this knowledge and digested it. Have you seen his inner-circle? The top hats, hello, it’s giving Abraham Lincoln. It’s giving qualified candidate. It’s giving “I trust that rodent’s opinion.” “I low key want to start wearing top hats now,” admitted McMichen.


One of the, arguably, most important pieces of one’s resume is their work history. It’s not outlandish to conclude that Phil has more experience than any other meteorologist on Earth. 137 years? Try to beat that. He’s never taken a day off in his life. Go Erie even proved that during the pandemic, he live streamed his performance. “Phil got me through Covid-19,” revealed McMichen. Phil understood that in times of crisis, in times of uncertainty, America needed some rodent to depend on, some stability.


After utilizing America’s university system’s holistic candidate review, there’s no choice but to accept Phil. There should be no thoughts of deferral–although it happens so often–or rejection. Phil is more than qualified. Where else is America going to find some rodent who has such compelling political views, such a love for T Swizzle? Yes, we already have a Dr. Phil, but Phil, the groundhog, is about to make it two Dr. Phils here in America. Not to mention, he has more work experience than anyone around. Phil is dedicated, and it is saddening how little it is recognized.