Friday Lynx: Recent Studies Show…


Owen Wickman

Dr Lynx, M.D. prepares to perform some science. Dr. Lynx is qualified in gynecology and the physics of moving bricks. He attended school at the University of Mom’s Basement for two years and the University of Tomatoes for another eight.

In a recent study published in The American Journal of Criminal Psychology has revealed that almost every serial killer in American history was at one point denied the purchase of a new toy when they were young. This startling new information about origins of serial killers may prompt a push for large scale acceptance of every whim of five year olds. Parents may want to strongly consider purchasing that Lego set to save the lives of innocents. The same study has also discovered a correlation in female killers. In one hundred percent of cases, women who drown their children in bathtubs were also told at a young age that they need to eat their dinner before they can have dessert.

Another study shows that seeing Jesus Christ, founder of Christianity, appear in toast is “perfectly normal”.  According to this study, the human brain is hardwired to recognize facial features, and this leads to the ability to see the Lord’s face in bread that has been inserted into a toaster. When asked how his opinion about this newfound information, John Hoefler said, “I wish people would see my face in something.”

A new study on cholesterol has revealed that a new form has been discovered, known as “superbad” cholesterol.  The study shows that this new “superbad” cholesterol will load up your arteries “like if you stuck a caulking gun down there,” according to Dr. Bentley Worthington, the head coordinator of the study. He says, “just like stronger bacteria has adapted to anti-bacterial sprays and lotions, cholesterol too has adapted as we consume more and more saturated and trans-fats. People are warned to be extremely wary of the new superbad cholesterol, as reports have shown that it may cause an infected person’s chest to swell and explode like meteors hitting a nuclear power plant.

Perhaps one of the most shocking studies is that Americans only have 20% of what it takes.  According to the Pew Research Center, the typical American only possesses a fifth of what it takes to make it happen. Lead author of this study, Philip McCray, states: ““The findings are surprising and alarming, as recent studies had suggested that U.S. citizens could step up and get it done upwards of 50 percent of the time.”This alarming drop in ability to have what it takes may indicate a potential doomsday situation in which no one is left to get it done.