Disaster Plagues World Due to Starbucks Holiday Cups

As we enter into the holiday season, many blame Starbucks’ red cups for the recent widespread demolition of our planet.

As we enter into the holiday season, many blame Starbucks’ red cups for the recent widespread demolition of our planet.

Matthew McFadden, Staff Writer

For the past month, the world has seen disaster strike every country imaginable.  Citizens of the world live in fear of when the next catastrophe will hit their country, their city, or their home.  In the span of five weeks, monsoons have flooded Cambodia, Madagascar has floated away from Africa and joined Antarctica, and the drought in California has become so severe that the entire state evaporated yesterday.

While some have named the causes as climate change, political corruption, or the Illuminati, we took to the streets to interview ordinary citizens and gather their opinions and theories; however, when we asked the respondents what they believed to be the reason for the slew of disasters, one response stood out among the rest: Starbucks.  During our interviews, strangers answered something along the lines of “The Starbucks holiday cups are destroying this country,” with the same feral look in their eyes.

Jeff Thomas, an office worker from San Francisco, had a particularly violent response.  When asked about the theory that Starbucks was the conspirator behind the disasters, Jeff started waving his hands emphatically.  “Starbucks, it’s all because of Starbucks!” he shouted.  After being asked to clarify, he screamed, “It’s the red cups!  They’re destroying Christmas!”

While some may only react with anger or violence, others have taken a stance and called for a boycott of Starbucks.  Amid the echoes of Jeff’s delusional ranting, we caught the attention of our next interviewee: a young woman named Stephanie Turner.  She told us about her Twitter campaign:  #StarbucksHatesChildren, which “aims to spread awareness of Starbucks’ insidious agenda against Christmas, Santa Claus, childhood, children in general, happiness, and babies.  They’re shattering our earth!”

Although the world is currently being smashed to pieces, causing massive damage and destruction, most of the people we interviewed seemed pretty fixated on those red Starbucks cups.  Starbucks issued a statement via email, stating “StArbucks TotAlly uNderstands the Common fear and aLArm and will Use everything poSsible to assure customer safety.”