10 Emergencies We Are Not Prepared For


Daniel Snodgrass, Staff Writer

Fires, Tornados, Gunmen—the school system has trained us all how to respond to emergency situations such as these, but what if there is an earthquake? What if the roof caves in? What if the school floods? What if…

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  • Situation One: What if the roof caved in? Then, you and your classmates may not be around to follow the proper roof- failure procedure. There is the slight possibility (about 1 in 124,567,000,007), though, that the roof will miss you and everyone else and land in Montana instead, but I would not bet too much money on it.

  • Situation Two: What if the school only sold diet sodas—oh, wait, it is too late! Try to forget the fact that one or more of the ingredients had to die or be genetically synthesized in order for that “soda” to be produced. (For decorative use only. If accidentally swallowed, contact a Poison Control Center right away. Side effects may include nausea, hallucinations, mild cannibalism and, in some extreme cases, a slow, painful death.) There is no escaping it.

  • Situation Three: What if a pack of wild hyenas wondered onto campus? Treat them like most other strangers you see on the street: do not bother them and they will not bother you. However, if either looks at you, starts laughing hysterically, and has blood-soaked fangs—then you had better run.

  • Situation Four: What if I suddenly forget how to read? Well, then this might not help much…

  • Situation Five: What if there was an earthquake? It is important to remember to stay calm. There is a chance that the floor will crack open, leaving a gaping hole that may or may not swallow you and your classmates—just another reason to not step on any cracks. Escape with caution: in case you do not notice, the ground will be shaking.

  • Situation Six: What if after the earthquake, an active volcano starts to form in the middle of the lunchroom? Somebody probably forgot to pay their taxes. Head toward the nearest exit calmly and collectively; try not to pay attention to any IRS agents unless they decide to ask for your cooperation and interrogation.

  • Situation Seven: What if the school floods? You had better hope it is not the septic tank. For those of you who cannot swim…well, perhaps you should have taken lessons. On the other hand, if you can swim, then swim. Carrying a floatation device in your back pocket has been proven to increase survival. Do not pick up any brown pebbles and try not to swim through any yellow water.

  • Situation Eight: What if the lights start glowing green? Visit your optometrist. Seriously—that cannot be natural.

  • Situation Nine: What if my friend finds a mysterious human-like bite mark on his or her body? Follow the school’s fire escape routes and procedures. Distract your friend by telling him or her that everything is going to be just fine while another friend sneaks up behind him or her with a blunt instrument. Notify the authorities.

  • Situation Ten: What if everything happens at once? Again? Well, then run—do not step on any cracks—make sure that your teachers have paid their taxes—keep a floatation device and blunt instrument on you at all times—and never drink any “soda” that rolls out of the vending machines.

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